The duality is tiring
My betrayal list reframed.
TOO much is happening. Too much. Too quick. Too soon. My brain can’t keep up. I repeat to myself to not let it consume me. Yet, it’s hard to ignore that the body feels off. Living is conflicting. Beautiful yet exhausting. Freeing yet conscious. Duality of mankind. Here’s my take of that duality as a rebrand of the famous “betrayal list” trend on social media.
What I love: God. Christ.
What I dislike: The confines and burdens of Christianity as a religion, not as a Faith. The connotation of spirituality as a sin for believers. It’s alike. Lots of deconstructing going on in my mind these days. I pray for the world, for you, and me.
What I like: love. Knowing that to simply exist and to love is enough.
What I dislike: Limerence. Idolatry. Infatuation. The complacency in our search of love and thinking that to love and to be loved, one must settle. None of that is love. Learn and heal.
What I like: good music, good vibes, good company
What I dislike: everybody wants to be a DJ. No one wants to dance. Get up. $40 entry covers for women. Say sike. Cause I’ll stay home!
What I like: the finer things in life. Quality, whatever that means to me.
What I dislike: knowing that my taste is a contributing factor to the the broadening of capitalism and the guilt that comes with having experiencing and things most will go their entire life without. Because why will I want the $490 coat at Rue Sophie instead of the $39.99 at Burlington? I’ll tell you. Quality. Durability. Do I need it? No…kinda? Yeah, I’ll just save for it.
What I like: people
What I dislike: depending on people. Not going to go in depth here. I’m working on it.
What I love: my father
What I dislike: his inability to recognize his wrongs. The fact that I look just like him. The fact that I am nothing like him. Yes, I am happy about it but some parts of me do dislike that.
What I love: my mother
What I dislike: the fact that she lives for the future, out of fear of scarcity, instead of enjoying the now. If you’re reading this mom, you already know what I have to say.
What I love: my brother
What I dislike: knowing that his generation continues to be told to repeat the same patterns we did, even though the outcomes won’t be the same. School, work, family, retire. Heck, we are barely making it. How will they? I worry so much about him and want to steer him right. I tend to forget that it is his life and I am just a character in it.
What I love: my friends
What I dislike: The fact that they’re all far; the fact that life isn’t always so kind to kind people. The fact that there’s not much to be done besides trying to be present while being away. I also dislike some of the people they have chosen to date, because ew. That one broke your heart? And then I think of my exes and I keep quiet because ewwwwwwww.
What I like: convenience
What I dislike: the social classism we exude when seeking luxury. Instant gratification. Knowing that I am victim to it. It becomes hard to put the phone down when the person in the screen after one more scroll is the only voice you get to hear at the end of a long day. Having to forcefully fight my brain and tell myself “you do not need this.” Because truly, I do not. That coat is still on my mind though.
What I like: fashion
What I dislike: TikTok ads every 3-4 scrolls and supposed high-end brands selling the same 100% polyester items ranging from $21 to $199. For real? Lululemon and ALO, I am unto you.
What I like: traveling
What I dislike: paying extra for a carry-on. Hotel check-ins being at 4PM. People who get up as soon as the plane lands…sit DOWNNNNN and let the people at the front go first. What is wrong with y’all??
What I like: being educated
What I dislike: The fact that critical thinking dissipated from the curriculum. Bring it back. Now. And don’t let me get started on how I got to be educated in the first place. These student loans? I need them gone cause right now it’s between God, the department of education, and my loan servicer.
What I like: productivity
What I dislike: hustle culture. We cannot and should not all be acting as a businesses. It’s okay to just exist as we are. Again, a bit hypocritical because I am actively working on my own business and brand. But I see and value the alternative of simply existing and living and choosing to do only that.
What I like: cleanliness
What I dislike: the inevitable upholding of patriarchal beliefs and purity feminism masked behind the clean girl aesthetic.
What I like: sweets
What I dislike: the lack of regulation in the production of food items we consume. Because what is Red 40? And why is this country the only one allowing its production? Diabetes suck. Cancer too. And yet, they are only making it worse.
What I like: my body and the energy it holds and how it allows me to move.
what I dislike: my body and the imperfections it holds. Hip dips, blemishes, cellulite, back love handles, thick thighs, the list grows. I love myself but it doesn’t take away the insecurities.
What I like: streaming movies
What I dislike: why the heck is everything, and I mean everything, a subscription?????
What I like: being a disciplined individual
What I dislike: waking up early no matter what, especially when I go to bed late. Tying my worth to my discipline.
What I like: looking good
What I dislike: getting my hair done for anything over $100. Where is mother and why did she ever stop doing my hair? Oh I know, she has had a bad back since the epidural they gave her after birthing my brother and therefore cannot stand for hours at a time. The things women go through, whew.
What I like: The IOS system and its efficient interconnection
What I dislike: Apple making me pay $9.99 each month for storage. Oh and the way their practices once again contribute to the genocide of Congo.
What I like: community
What I dislike: knowing that I cannot be in community with many people any longer because their actions do not match their words. Also, realizing that many will actively choose to support harm being done to others or being silent, which is just as bad, as long as it does not inconvenience them or their lifestyle. Baby, I block.
I am thankful for this life, but dang. Some days, it’s too much. Most things can hold two truths at once and maybe the silver lining in knowing the duality is that we can choose which version we want to abide by. I’ll think about it and let you know once I formulate deeper, more meaningful thoughts.
Until later,
Mel