Valentine's Day Letter To My Father

Drifting and mending my first love.

Growing up, my father was my first love. Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s and just because gifts. He was home every night after work. We had dinner as a family. I grew up knowing that having a father in the home was a blessing and not to be taken for granted. Years around friends, foes, and lovers (sometimes these last two ended up being the same…tea), I realized that paternal love, nurturing, and presence was rare for others. When my parents divorced, I still relied heavily on my dad. All reasons why the drift that happened between us in my adulthood shattered me. As well composed and forward-pushing as I have been, things changed between us. I did the work. He didn’t. Even though I know that my father is probably one of the only people I could call at any hour and he will show up, regardless of how many miles, the hyper-dependency that I sheltered myself with from his absence is what made me whole. I had to look at love differently. What did not change was knowing that my father loved me, despite all of this. Deeply. In our efforts to mend the cracks, he said it and proved it. And the grace I can give him comes from knowing his story, his childhood, and understand all the reasons why he is the way he is, and why he will not ever change. Funny enough, my mother is the one who demystified all the unknown about him. I am so happy that I have done the work, and will continue to, because else, I think it would be hard to find, know, feel, and give love.

I usually avoid talking about my love experiences on public platforms. People watch, wonder, and I do not like people in my business. But this week, being Valentine’s Day and hearing the phrase “Her dad is a girl’s first love” makes me think about how absurd that is, I had to say something. I know more people who grew up with absent dads, even sometimes the ones that were in the house. I thank God for mine. And to those of you who are fathers and aspire to be and to simply do right by your children, I see you. We don’t applaud a fish for swimming, but to mold a human into a being is no small feat, and it should be acknowledged. I see you. But even with present fathers (present parents, period), so many, too many people that I know fight hard to experience love. Is it generational? Are the millennials and Gen-Z truly doomed? How could it be when we see engagement and marriage pictures to die for every other week on social media? Love is alive. Yet no one can find their person. Something’s not right. Somebody’s lying. The illusion of love is attached to grand gestures, and one may feel that if they do not get to experience the grand voyages and the pricey gifts, they are not experiencing love. Put the phone down. “On ne vit pas d’amour et d’eau fraiche”. A French proverb that signifies that love and water are not enough to live. And I mean, yes…have you seen the price of everything outside? Our dollar bills are starting to stretch. What I mean is there is so much more that goes into love. In my humble opinion, I think I found my answers as I have found, known, felt, and given love.

I read years ago this quote, “to love and to be loved is to feel the sun on both sides”. There is also this Bible verse Ephesians 4:2 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” that I stumbled upon recently. These two sayings focus on reciprocity and complementation. As painful as past experiences have been, I realize that when they ended, it’s because (1) God was not in there, and (2) it was not mutual, whether from them or me. And I am not just talking about romantic love. Love comes in all forms. The love I now have in my life reflects those mutual connections. It just pains me that as mutual as they are, my loved ones are not physically near me. They are all far away. It could become hard to feel the sun from both sides. But on those lonelier days, I am blessed that those who love me remind me that the sun is still there, simply hidden behind the clouds.

I write this to my dad, knowing he’ll probably never read it. I dread watching him age and not being able to take care of him like he took care of me. But I make sure that he knows that I love him dearly and deeply. Often. And if all came down to it, I too will show up any time of the day. What happened between us is the reason that I know love exists because of how much pain it caused me. It also taught me that I deserved better and therefore, I prayed and went on to find better. Even back in him. And though he was my first love, he certainly is not my last. And as steady love has felt for the last few years, I remain eager and excited to be in community with the people I already have in my life (💛), those who just came in (❤️), and knowing that I will meet even more (💙). The sun will always shine upon me from both sides. Clouds or not.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all those who love. And don’t be that person who says “Valentine’s Day should be every day.” “Why do we need to have a commercial holiday to celebrate love?” We’re tired of y’all. Though these two statements are true, let people bask in the pockets of joy they find. There are little of those these days…

Until later,

Mel